To the one I know will read this may these words burn like the word on your skin, forever a reminder of me.

Its all or nothing , all or nothing and you knew that from the start,
Making me think that things were good you made into an art,
The hurt the pain you bestowed upon me is something incredible
Why must I feel this from you is  completely  out of line now I think I need a poison  edible.

I’m done with the lies, I’m done with the hurt, I’m done fighting for us both when you just don’t want to see , that you became a important part of me.
I’m done being a puppet in your waiting game , cause the grass will never be greener then how it was when you had me.
I’m done listening to you cry I’m done listening to your “I don’t know” , I’m done falling into the trap you set , just so that you can forget ,
Just so you can forget the pain the hurt you once had , so you can forget by burning me.

Im done feeling sorry for you im done being there for you, at your feet on my hands and knees , im done kissing you everynight  telling you it will be alright, im done !

]]> http://9ryphn.wordpress.com/2009/06/11/_the-lyric/feed/ 0 9ryphn http://9ryphn.wordpress.com/2009/06/11/_the-one-liner/ http://9ryphn.wordpress.com/2009/06/11/_the-one-liner/#comments Thu, 11 Jun 2009 17:26:15 +0000 9ryphn http://9ryphn.wordpress.com/?p=35 ]]> This is me taking control, from everything,  from the office, from ergonomic keyboards, from lying  girlfriends and sack a shit best friends. This is me taking back control of my life. What the fuck have you done lately?

I guess I’m trying to figure out my reasons for where I’m right now , what is it that brought me here  and i don’t just mean in the physical location but my mental state,

I ran 2 years ago , I ran from it all for I risked harsh results from what my actions could have been, to all that  know me believe I ran for a career for a life for a social change, the ones that really know me know for a fact that I ran cause of that someone, that they were destroying me, this is the reason I started here, but what is the reason Im now kept here.

I’m facing another difficult chapter in my life, sometime I think I’m too proud to seek help , yet I need it desperately I know it I should be seeking it i should be embracing it , but i sit here wishing to prove to my self I’m strong….. I need to be strong…..

I cannot help it if my writing this far are centered around a certain someone , but I’m consumed by them , Ive forgotten what its like to be hungry to be thirsty to be rested to be tired because I simply don’t feel anything anymore , my concentration is scattered (much like this post), I know in my mind in my heart that they are the one I want in my life ,  I’ve so much faith in them  Ive so  much inside me for them but I fear showing it anymore, I’m begining to feel that Ive become over bearing that this want to be happy and to make another happy has in turn caused nothing but grief……

I know she feels it towards me , I know it I see it in her eyes , but why do these questions overcome me now , what have I done wrong , Im cornered right now I feel that Ill either die or come out charging , failure seems immanent here , am i loosing my faith? or am i simply consumed by guilt that i pushed to hard that in her presence I became selfish , for once in my 28 yrs I wanted something only for me , not willign to share not willing to let go .

I ask my self this question , and i still seek the answer , what is the reason Im where I am , is it her ? is it just her? or is there greater powers at play , I feel Im still here cause she holds on just a little , just enough for me not to depart. But time is seriously becoming scarce, I don’t have any more I don’t have time i don’t have the power Im simply running out of steam.

Why does my good nature take over again , caring more about another then I do for myself , why must I do what I feel what I see is better for them then to take care of my skin first.

This is difficult, if only they could see what it is that they are risking, that Ive given them what is most precious to me , and I never want it back.
Since she came my way  nothing feels the same & I can’t help it .

So I sit here hungry ( i think im hungry ,  cant feel it no more its been days since I ate) , i sit here alone and almost in the dark , I’m in my own little corner right now with nothing but my laptop a pack of cigarettes , my only nourishment being crappy instant coffee and the memories of her.

the path it seems is now written, i tried to be the author but greater powers are at play

The reality of the situation is that I will spare her of me, and that I will have to lift the anchors , and try to give this energy to a greater cause , and it hurts that I do this and i cannot deny my self one fact I’ve fallen in love with her ….. even though she is blind to it_

So why is my life not as bad as i taught, well there is many factors but last few days have really shown it , there is sadness, misery , betrayal and plotting all around me. Yet I seem to be spared of this to an extent, new influences in my life are present ……..

..wow what was that , that scent? ….. did i have to walk into that elevator …. why does it remind me of her … that sweet innocent scent that takes me to the greatest plains of life ….

Im filled with joy in her presence , Im overcome with taught in her absence but im always sensing her essence …… this feeling is not for all but for just one …. one who once again makes me want to run , to fly , to jump any hurdle and break down any wall even the one she placed in front of me in the begining.

Podji od toga da si mom zivotu sve
i da bez tebe moja dusa umire
jer ja bez tebe vise ne mogu ni dan
samo je tvoje ime, vjeruj, sve sto znam

my mind is filled with all these new memories , im running full steam just to proccess them all

till next time_

It has been 3 years today  since he left this Earth , a dear friend whom I’ll never forget . The man was a legend with his cowboy boots trench coat aviator sunnies  infectious smile and personality. Forever will I remember his incredible aversion to Linux, his love for music, his keen eye at the pool table (ive played once since our last game  my friend it still didn’t feel right)  his love and passion for all things cinema (for introducing me to my favorite all time film) and his daring nature when it came to striking a conversation. It hurts to this day that you left buddy it hurts like hell, should have told me should have said something but you were always too proud to admit pain, yet secretly you numbed it with candy from Satan him self.

Your love of coffee rubbed of on me , your taste for tequila never did though but the love for pizza we shared .

May you forever soar in the sky my friend may you make an angel smile and feel like you did for me and so many others_

_the night i will never forget , a turbulent time  stretched between the one I care for and the another I cannot be without. The friend I care for let his demons rule him once again , once again he said things he should not have , and once again I felt powerless to help, the frustration the anger the depression it puts me in he will never see, such a good person that is marred with a substance a substance I will gladly give up for the rest of my days just to support him ………. will you ever learn my friend that you are hurting the ones that care for you ….. and most importantly YOURSELF!!!

The one I now know I cannot be without, she has brought a smile upon me that cannot be wiped in a millennium  , has shown to me that decency care compassion strength and a beautiful touch are still rife in this world , you have reignited that spark you have reignited my being you have reignited me. I will forever regret the words said in fear of loosing you, but I will never regret that you came to me that you showed me that I’m worth it, trust me it is not a mistake for I see the world in you already a world Im not prepared to loose for there is no gain no payoff great enough for me to even consider it.

Ive said it times before and ill say it again , two life times with you would not be enough……..

In memory of Nathan Richards 1981 – 2006 may you rest in peace

your life left a mark on mine ,

a scar never to heal.

pain (pn) n.

im paying a dear price for being a good guy for letting my heart rule for letting my  emotions define who i am

I guess I’m trying to get my mind of things , hence why Im here writing this , it may be dribble or it may be a work of art , I dont think i know myself when i start writing.

Funny day today filled with mixed emotions, chores and a drive to the Airport, ^ohh how i loathe the drive^.

STOP THE PRESSES !!! here is a random thing my dear friends inform me off “Ferrari F50 front brakes on the auctions – $1250 :-O” bless all of them and they know who they are , having stuck by me no matter what forever in their debt is a understatment I dare say.

OK the Presses may start

So my roomies laptop just started the sound of Vista booting :blurghhhh: mixed with my rock in one ear and the sound of sirens trams  from the city outside…….. their life goes on I see them all going to work in the morning and returning at night……. not that im not one of the lemmings but I for one would be bright F*&ing orange  standing out ! if i were one of the crowd.

I sit here and write trying to keep someone from consuming me from the inside, why must you be so present why do i long and yearn for your voice for your presence …….. time will tell if this is an infatuation or  true want a true need, lust has nothing to do with it ive exercised my demons in this city of sleaze and dirt ….. they are well tired and its now the time to return to heaven my life once was

The question that lingers is will I make the return journey to bliss or will I not, life doesnt see to be all that nice……… someone I was once ohh so close to had thier world crumble around them I knew it was gonna happen I knew he was going to drive her away , she never listen and I hate it when Im right.

Ok my streak of craeativity has come to a halt HALT HAMERZEIT!! ill let thsi dribble of a post sit unedited and raw , censored though

Till next time_

Im chasing it Im chasing that dream ……. trying to turn it into reality…. there is obstacles there is difficulty but I for one would burn the world to make this come true …… it hurts to think what I will do to some yet it makes me grow to know what i can be to know i can smile again to know Im at the doorstep of happines

i beg everyday every minute every second that the ice i stand on doesnt crack ,this one  slowly becoming my world, once again i let my self go once again i let someone hold my well being in their hands and in the end i know the risk is worth it.

once again my life has turned upside down once again i face difficulties but this one makes it all go away . hunger pain solitude  depression   are all fading memories when im in their presence

am i being selfish? …… yes I am im being utterly selfish cause there is nothing i want more_

and is it right to hurt one to be with another …… to be happy to have a smile on my face ….. i dont want to hurt noone but it may be neccesary, i went from a good guy to a total player since ive been in melbourne ….. now my heart says i want to be good again but i want to be good for a reason.

There is more to this post then i i let on, but for now all i will say Ive found the inspiration to write rhymes again and now they arent angry

G is out_

The idea came from a great new friend  ^yeah you know who you are^ , apparently I have a way with words and she suggested I put them down on “paper”. I always knew I had a way with words but never had the inspiration, unless of course im writing rhymes but that’s another story.

So here I am tired trying to understand a process in Great Pains ……..ooops excuse me Great Plains, my sennheisers are punishing my ears with the sweet sound of KRS-one  ^FreshFm i still listen to you even though Im far from the reach of non-DAB FM i may be here but my heart still rests in the quiet streets of Adelaide^ . My head is full of weird stuff, till last week I worked two jobs …. today Im down to one and by the end of the week my whole career should have changed and yeah its still going to be Great Pains but the ache will be soothed by the sweet sound of “cha ching” and the treks I will make workin this gig will open my eyes to the world.

Woo its 23:38 tired? delirious? in a heap? )( yeah Im tired ….. but coffee ahoy *looks at the perculator*  delirious ….. ohh heck yeah I am but its only cause Ive slept less then a active soldier on speed ……. in a heap ….. yes I am .. and why !! long story.

The deliruim is now taking over and if the above makes sense to any then im not as random as I taught.

Gonna finish this first post now ………… but i feel the addiction growing_