_reasons

_we all have reasons , some are good some are bad some are there to push us some are there to please us some are there to simply keep us somewhere

I guess I’m trying to figure out my reasons for where I’m right now , what is it that brought me here  and i don’t just mean in the physical location but my mental state,

I ran 2 years ago , I ran from it all for I risked harsh results from what my actions could have been, to all that  know me believe I ran for a career for a life for a social change, the ones that really know me know for a fact that I ran cause of that someone, that they were destroying me, this is the reason I started here, but what is the reason Im now kept here.

I’m facing another difficult chapter in my life, sometime I think I’m too proud to seek help , yet I need it desperately I know it I should be seeking it i should be embracing it , but i sit here wishing to prove to my self I’m strong….. I need to be strong…..

I cannot help it if my writing this far are centered around a certain someone , but I’m consumed by them , Ive forgotten what its like to be hungry to be thirsty to be rested to be tired because I simply don’t feel anything anymore , my concentration is scattered (much like this post), I know in my mind in my heart that they are the one I want in my life ,  I’ve so much faith in them  Ive so  much inside me for them but I fear showing it anymore, I’m begining to feel that Ive become over bearing that this want to be happy and to make another happy has in turn caused nothing but grief……

I know she feels it towards me , I know it I see it in her eyes , but why do these questions overcome me now , what have I done wrong , Im cornered right now I feel that Ill either die or come out charging , failure seems immanent here , am i loosing my faith? or am i simply consumed by guilt that i pushed to hard that in her presence I became selfish , for once in my 28 yrs I wanted something only for me , not willign to share not willing to let go .

I ask my self this question , and i still seek the answer , what is the reason Im where I am , is it her ? is it just her? or is there greater powers at play , I feel Im still here cause she holds on just a little , just enough for me not to depart. But time is seriously becoming scarce, I don’t have any more I don’t have time i don’t have the power Im simply running out of steam.

Why does my good nature take over again , caring more about another then I do for myself , why must I do what I feel what I see is better for them then to take care of my skin first.

This is difficult, if only they could see what it is that they are risking, that Ive given them what is most precious to me , and I never want it back.
Since she came my way  nothing feels the same & I can’t help it .

So I sit here hungry ( i think im hungry ,  cant feel it no more its been days since I ate) , i sit here alone and almost in the dark , I’m in my own little corner right now with nothing but my laptop a pack of cigarettes , my only nourishment being crappy instant coffee and the memories of her.

the path it seems is now written, i tried to be the author but greater powers are at play

The reality of the situation is that I will spare her of me, and that I will have to lift the anchors , and try to give this energy to a greater cause , and it hurts that I do this and i cannot deny my self one fact I’ve fallen in love with her ….. even though she is blind to it_